How to Improve Communication in a Marriage

Unlocking Better Communication: Key Strategies for Enriching Your Marriage

Even the most rock-solid relationships go through their fair share of bumps. Maybe you and your partner argue about finances, in-laws, or that never-ending chore list. While conflict is a normal part of any marriage, it’s how you handle those disagreements that truly matters. Here at Coral Springs Counseling Center, we help couples in Miami-Dade, Coral Gables, Fort Lauderdale, and all of South Florida move beyond the “you never listen!” moments and rediscover the joy of connecting with their spouse.

The Difference Between Masters and Disasters

Have you ever heard the terms “Masters of Communication” and “Disasters of Communication” used to describe couples? It’s not about who “wins” the argument, but rather how you approach conflict. Research by Dr. John Gottman suggests that Masters focus on the underlying emotions beneath the surface, while Disasters get stuck in the nitty-gritty of the issues themselves.

The Four Horsemen & Their Antidotes

So, how do Disasters get stuck? Often, they fall prey to the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” of communication: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. These communication killers shut down healthy dialogue and leave couples feeling unheard, hurt, and resentful.

The good news? There are antidotes to these communication roadblocks! 
For each ‘horseman,’ there is a cure that can help maintain connection even in tense moments. Let’s examine this in more detail.

1. Criticism vs. Gentle Startup
   • Criticism involves harshly attacking your partner’s character or personality instead of addressing specific behaviors, often leading to resentment and defensiveness. For example: “This kitchen is a mess. You’re such a slob.”
   • Antidote: Gentle Startup focuses on discussing issues without blame and with respect. By addressing problems calmly and with a focus on the behavior rather than the person, the conversation is more likely to be productive. Example: “I feel frustrated when dirty dishes are left in the sink. Could you please do the dishes tonight?”
2. Defensiveness vs. Taking Responsibility
   • Defensiveness is a common reaction to criticism where one partner denies responsibility, makes excuses, or meets one complaint with another. For instance: “It isn’t my fault I yelled. You were late, not me!”
   • Antidote: Taking Responsibility involves acknowledging your part in the conflict without placing blame on others, which can help de-escalate the situation. Example: “I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I’m sorry.”
3. Contempt vs. Sharing Fondness and Admiration
   • Contempt is an expression of superiority that comes out as sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, or sneering. It is incredibly harmful and can be expressed with a comment like: “You’re useless at this.”
   • Antidote: Sharing Fondness and Admiration counters contempt by expressing appreciation and respect. Regularly sharing what you value and appreciate about your partner can strengthen your bond. Example: “I really appreciate how thoughtful you are.”
4. Stonewalling vs. Self-Soothing
   • Stonewalling occurs when someone withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. It often happens when the person feels emotionally overwhelmed. For example: A person might just go silent and refuse to discuss the issue further.
   • Antidote: Self-Soothing means taking a break if things get too heated, allowing both partners to calm down. Techniques like deep breathing or a short walk can help. Agreeing to resume the discussion later can prevent the buildup of tension. Example: “Let’s take a 20-minute break and then continue this conversation.”

It’s All About How You Feel

Here’s the key takeaway: During conflict, our bodies go into fight-or-flight mode. Our hearts race, our breaths become shallow, and clear thinking goes out the window. “It’s important to focus more on how you talk with one another and how you feel during the conflict. “The process” over the actual issue itself “the content.” Recognizing these signs in yourself and your partner can signal that it’s time to take a break and cool down before continuing the conversation.

All in all, improving communication in a marriage isn’t just about finding the right things to say; it’s about creating an environment where both partners feel heard, respected, and loved. At Coral Springs Counseling Center, we provide the tools and support to help you and your partner turn every conflict into a stepping stone towards a stronger relationship.

Contact Coral Springs Counseling Center today and discover how our couples therapy and marriage counseling services can help you build a more loving and understanding relationship.