Not all therapy experiences are equal. As a couple’s therapist, my primary goal is to guide couples toward healthier communication, deeper understanding, and greater emotional intimacy. However, therapy is a delicate process and there are certain pitfalls therapists must consciously avoid to ensure that the healing process unfolds in the best possible way. Missteps in these areas can unintentionally create more harm than good, undermining the trust and progress necessary for successful therapy.
Let’s explore these common mistakes. Here are three things your couple’s therapist should not be doing:
- Making life choices for you. A therapist only sees what you present. Your therapist may pick up on themes or personality quirks, but doesn’t experience the emotions that you experience in your relationship on a day-to-day basis. The therapist wasn’t there when you met, had your first child, or experienced your first fight. You were. You are the expert in your own life so don’t leave someone else to make decisions for you. What a couple’s therapist can do instead is help you find clarity and confidence on the issues at hand for you to feel confident in your choices.
- Take Sides. If a therapist consistently aligns with one partner over the other, it can create imbalance and feelings of alienation. This may replicate a theme that the couple is already trying to break but now the “expert” is reinforcing it. Granted, a therapist may have to show each individual a mirror to enforce accountability, but it doesn’t mean there is one right client and one wrong one. A neutral, supportive stance helps both partners feel heard and understood. When both partners feel understood, their confidence in themselves and their relationship may grow.
- Fail to manage conflict in sessions. Allowing conflict to escalate without proper intervention can leave couples feeling even more frustrated than when they started. There’s an important step with teaching conflict resolution skills and healthy communication during sessions. Both partners need to feel that therapy is a safe place to discuss the more vulnerable topics, knowing that the therapist will interject if criticism and defensiveness are used. Effective therapists will guide conflict resolution without letting emotions spiral out of control.
In couples therapy, avoiding certain missteps is just as important as applying effective strategies. The trust placed in us by couples is profound, and it is our responsibility to avoid actions that might damage that trust. Ultimately, successful therapy hinges on creating a safe, balanced space for healing, and being mindful of what not to do is a key part of this journey.
CASSANDRA THOMPSON
LMHC